Alors on danse...

Kolkata calling... (again)

It's Saturday, 12:05 as I write this. I've taken some rest, done some practice and after I've write this I'll cool down, shower and head back to Aunty's for lunch. I know I only wrote the last post a couple of days ago but I've been working through some things in my mind and have found various ways to deal with Christmas time and homesickness in general. 

Dance is the best distraction from everything. When I dance I can forget the world and just be in the moment and momentum of what I'm doing. But I can dance all day long and so when I'm not dancing I have to find ways of distracting myself and keeping myself busy. I have found a few things now that are doing just that...

Firstly I've decided I would like to present a small, very informal, solo Bharatanatyam recital for all my friends and family when I get back. I am by no means a professional dancer but I want to give something to everyone I couldn't buy presents for and I want to show everyone what I've been doing here in India. Also this gives me something to work towards, a clear goal to practice and work for. When I dance now I imagine I am actually performing for this informal recital and it motivates me to ignore the pain and tiredness and keep going. 

Secondly I've finally gotten around (is that correct English?) to learning to read and write both Hindi and Bangla. I don't know if I want to take these languages further when I leave India but whilst I'm here being able to read and write them would not only be useful but also fun. I bought two alphabet books here a while ago and I'm using them, Ilina has also written out the Bangla alphabet for me to show me how it is written in normal handwriting. In the holidays I'll get her to write the Hindi alphabet for me too. This really is a great distraction because, as a linguist, I really enjoy writing out the letters. It's also something easy to do that is quite relaxing really. Once I've learnt the alphabet I can try and read children's books and newspapers, not understand them per se but just sound out the letters. 

Lastly, I found out that my Bharatanatyam class back home is sitting their next set of dance exams in March, the month I get back... So naturally I've decided to sit the exams too and do all the study for them here. I did Grade 1 before I came to India and now I'm going to sit both Grade 2 and 3 on the same day. All of the theory (and there is a lot) I can work on here, I can make all the notes for the folders I have to present here and just put them in a folder when I get back. The two main items for the exams I know well and the other items I'll learn in the few weeks I have in March. I'm really enjoying preparing at the moment. I also realised that the whole point in this gap year originally had been to dedicate it to dance and although I have since decided not to dedicate the whole year to dance I can certainly dedicate a few more months to it. 

I have come to terms with the fact that I'm not experiencing India as a whole and that I am living in a dance bubble here but perhaps that was always going to be how I experienced India, through dance. India continues to teach me many things, patience and strength more than anything. There are still ups and downs but more and more of the time thigns are really good. I don't believe that wanting to come home necessarily means I'm not happy here, it just means I've learnt where I belong for the time-being. Everyday brings a new challenge and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but that isn't called India, that's called life. 

As much as I know many of you reading this aren't religious I would just like to say that my faith has gotten me through this whole experience. I pray every morning and every evening. It helps me feel not only closer to home but closer to myself. I don't spend the day listening to religious music, or visiting temples but when I think to myself, I like to think I'm talking to God and that gives me great strength. I don't find that India is the most free country, there are lot of aspects of who I am that I don't feel I can express here but it gives me great comfort to know that every aspect of who I am is inside me. 

So life is a challenge, and in the words of a song I've come to like

"There's always gonna' be another mountain, I'm always gonna' wanna' make it move. Always gonna' be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm gonna' have to lose. Aint about how fast I get there, aint about what's waitin' on the other side, it's the climb."

This is no longer about me coming back a professional dancer. This is about me coming back having lived. Having learnt more about myself and the world. Having found a love for dance through hardships and pain. Having learnt who I am.