I'm back.

So hello from England everyone,

I said I'd write a blog explaining why I was back and also reflecting on my time in India and what it has taught me. So here goes...

I think if I put why I cam back into one reason then it's simply that is was time. Two months is no joke, it's a long time and in that time I felt I had learnt enough to be satisfied with myself. You see India for me was not only physically challenging but it was mentally challenging too. People there have completely different mindsets to me and I had to deal with that daily as well as functioning in a foreign language that was a second language to the people around me. I got to a point quite literallt where I was just physically and mentally drained, I had nothing more to give and I wanted to go home.

What about Lucknow you ask, well Lucknow never happened, it might one day but not this time. I wondered whether I would regret that decision but when I got to Delhi airport I knew that there was no way I could have faced heading on to Lucknow. I needed home.

None of this is to say that I have something against India but it isn't my country and it isn't somewhere that I personally would want to live. You have to bear in mind that I didn't see the colourful touristy India and I didn't see the slums, I saw the in between, everyday life of Indians. I didn't go there to sightsee, I went there to study and that's what I did. My experience had ups and downs and the truth is, I'll probably remember them all.

So no, no major disaster or event happened that made me come home. I had just had enough of being away from everything and everyone I know and love, and I wanted to come home. It really is that simple.

Now let's look at what India has taught me and what I've gained from the experience. I honestly do feel that in two months I've lived a lifetime. I've seen and learnt so much it's unreal. I went to India to study dance but I never thought about everything else, that being everyday life in India and everyday life in India was not something I enjoyed.

But what I learnt will stay with me for a lifetime. I learnt first and foremost that I'm English and love being so which through years of battling with an identity crisis is an amazing thing for me to have realised. Secondly, I have developed the most profound love and respect for my dance forms, they're now a part of me just as much as my breathing is.

The most important thing Aunty taught me was how to learn. I know now how to approach a new item to make sure I don't ever forget it. She taught me an approach to learning that is the most valuable thing I'll take away from India. It means I can benefit so much more from my time there.

Something that I think made my experience in India all the more special was that I lived in a dance world, Everyone I was with lived and breathed dance and therefore so did I. I saw more dance shows in two months than I've seen in my entire life, I've learnt what it takes to be a professional dancer and how much more it takes to become a professional performer. I've seen the real India, not the tourist India, not the slums, but the India people live every single day. I've seen the streets they see every morning, used the shops they use everyday and eaten the food they eat everyday.

And of course I can't write about India without writing about languages. India meant that I was forced to use and speak Hindi a lot of the time, since I didn't speak Bangla. Having spent two months in India I can now say that I can switch into Hindi easily, I'm not fluent by any stretch of the imagination but I can understand most things that are said, in other words I can function in everyday life in Hindi. I can also understand a lot of Bangla now, and speak some, I can recognise it instantly amongst other Indian languages and I'm very pleased about that. The other language I had exposure to was Malayalam, I heard Malayalam spoken everyday and I watched Malayalam TV daily. Although I didn't pick any up, I can now easily recognise Malayalam from all other South Indian languages if I hear it spoken or see it written. So linguistically India has been brilliant.

I can say with utmost confidence that I don't regret I single day in India. It was taught me so much about myself, about the world and about dance. Whether I would do it all again I can't say but I'm so happy I've done it and yes, yes I am actually very proud of myself.

I could probably keep writing about this for days but I shan't and this is now "Bharat Calling" signing off, this blog will remain as a memory of everything I've done and I'm so pleased I have it as that. 

Alors on danse...

Kolkata calling... (again)

It's Saturday, 12:05 as I write this. I've taken some rest, done some practice and after I've write this I'll cool down, shower and head back to Aunty's for lunch. I know I only wrote the last post a couple of days ago but I've been working through some things in my mind and have found various ways to deal with Christmas time and homesickness in general. 

Dance is the best distraction from everything. When I dance I can forget the world and just be in the moment and momentum of what I'm doing. But I can dance all day long and so when I'm not dancing I have to find ways of distracting myself and keeping myself busy. I have found a few things now that are doing just that...

Firstly I've decided I would like to present a small, very informal, solo Bharatanatyam recital for all my friends and family when I get back. I am by no means a professional dancer but I want to give something to everyone I couldn't buy presents for and I want to show everyone what I've been doing here in India. Also this gives me something to work towards, a clear goal to practice and work for. When I dance now I imagine I am actually performing for this informal recital and it motivates me to ignore the pain and tiredness and keep going. 

Secondly I've finally gotten around (is that correct English?) to learning to read and write both Hindi and Bangla. I don't know if I want to take these languages further when I leave India but whilst I'm here being able to read and write them would not only be useful but also fun. I bought two alphabet books here a while ago and I'm using them, Ilina has also written out the Bangla alphabet for me to show me how it is written in normal handwriting. In the holidays I'll get her to write the Hindi alphabet for me too. This really is a great distraction because, as a linguist, I really enjoy writing out the letters. It's also something easy to do that is quite relaxing really. Once I've learnt the alphabet I can try and read children's books and newspapers, not understand them per se but just sound out the letters. 

Lastly, I found out that my Bharatanatyam class back home is sitting their next set of dance exams in March, the month I get back... So naturally I've decided to sit the exams too and do all the study for them here. I did Grade 1 before I came to India and now I'm going to sit both Grade 2 and 3 on the same day. All of the theory (and there is a lot) I can work on here, I can make all the notes for the folders I have to present here and just put them in a folder when I get back. The two main items for the exams I know well and the other items I'll learn in the few weeks I have in March. I'm really enjoying preparing at the moment. I also realised that the whole point in this gap year originally had been to dedicate it to dance and although I have since decided not to dedicate the whole year to dance I can certainly dedicate a few more months to it. 

I have come to terms with the fact that I'm not experiencing India as a whole and that I am living in a dance bubble here but perhaps that was always going to be how I experienced India, through dance. India continues to teach me many things, patience and strength more than anything. There are still ups and downs but more and more of the time thigns are really good. I don't believe that wanting to come home necessarily means I'm not happy here, it just means I've learnt where I belong for the time-being. Everyday brings a new challenge and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but that isn't called India, that's called life. 

As much as I know many of you reading this aren't religious I would just like to say that my faith has gotten me through this whole experience. I pray every morning and every evening. It helps me feel not only closer to home but closer to myself. I don't spend the day listening to religious music, or visiting temples but when I think to myself, I like to think I'm talking to God and that gives me great strength. I don't find that India is the most free country, there are lot of aspects of who I am that I don't feel I can express here but it gives me great comfort to know that every aspect of who I am is inside me. 

So life is a challenge, and in the words of a song I've come to like

"There's always gonna' be another mountain, I'm always gonna' wanna' make it move. Always gonna' be an uphill battle, sometimes I'm gonna' have to lose. Aint about how fast I get there, aint about what's waitin' on the other side, it's the climb."

This is no longer about me coming back a professional dancer. This is about me coming back having lived. Having learnt more about myself and the world. Having found a love for dance through hardships and pain. Having learnt who I am. 

Home for Christmas.

So guys this is going to be a hard post to write and I'm sitting here alone at Ekdalia quite emotional so I'll try my best to make all of this make sense!

Things here in India are much better than they were. I no longer have to spend the mornings motivating myself to dance, I no longer wake up dreading the day ahead and I have a few people to chat to. However it's December, the week before Christmas and I'm away from home in a country that on the whole doesn't celebrate Christmas. I had never, ever imagined how hard I would find this.

So let's talk about Christmas and why it's such a big deal for me right now. I'm not a Christian and Christmas has never had a religious meaning for me but it is still a huge deal. I used to think that not being a Christian I might one day not celebrate Christmas as an adult. That'll never happen. Christmas is a part of my cultural identity. A lot of people I know often argue that England no longer has any culture and I used to say this too but coming here to India I realise how wrong that is. Christmas is a major part of being English and being in England. Towns are lit up with fairy lights, trees go up in city centres and in every home, shopping centres are covered in baubles and tinsel and the whole country is wrapped in a blanket of Christmas spirit. For me that just doesn't exist anywhere else.

I now understand songs that talk about coming home for Christmas and what that means. Christmas is the one time of year when you know that the whole family will come from all over the world to be together, your home will feel like it did when you were a kid, with all your brothers and sisters around. Christmas is often the one time a year you see all of those distant cousins and aunts and uncles you don't get to see the rest of the year. It's a time when we all come together, not as Christians, but as people. To celebrate life more than anything. To celebrate the passing of another year that has had its ups and downs and that you've come out of all the stronger. Christmas makes me think of warmth, I never had a fireplace to roast chestnuts on growing up but we had blankets and sofas and times of just snuggling down watching a Christmas movie.

I remember growing up that on Christmas morning there used to be this one film shown every year, around 5 or 6am for children. I can barely remember it now but it was one of the only times in the year that me and brother didn't fight and just sat together engrossed in the film, stuffing ourselves with the chocolate from our stockings. Now years later with my sister born, the three of us pile into my brother's room to munch our way through all the chocolate that inevitably comes every year. I remember that I used to get one gift every year by my bed that was a total surprise and was always signed "Santa" and I remember how my Mum just simply used to sign the gift labels with a heart and we'd know instantly it was from her, she still does this actually :P

All these things I'm missing this year and I can't begin to describe how hard it is. I know Christmas will come again next year and I know I chose to miss it this year but that doesn't make it easier. There will be no stocking this year, no presents, no tree, no lights, no snow, no Christmas films, no Christmas lunch. But something good has come out of this. I realise now more than ever who I am. I am English and England is where I want to be for a long while yet. People say you never realise what you had until it's gone. Well for me it isn't gone but I do now realise how much home means to me.

Reading might not be the most beautiful town in the world but it is to me. My life has been spent there, I've been through so much there. When you read a book the author always makes the effort to describe the setting in detail because it forms the background for the characters. If you read my life like a story, Reading would be there as the backbone for it all. India has taught me to appreciate who I am and where I come from. I don't think there is anything wrong with being patriotic now. I do love where I'm from and yes for me I do truly believe it's the best country in the world. There is nowhere like England at Christmas time.

Please don't read into this blog as me being dreadfully miserable. True Christmas time is and will continue to be hard until it's over but I am getting what I wanted out of India and I'm enjoying everything I can, so please don't worry too much. I can't wait to come home and for all of you that keep asking I'll be home in MARCH 2014

Shivastakam and Uday Shankar Nrityotsav 2013

Hello everyone,
So I haven't written a blog in a few days... sorry!

You know I go through each day thinking of a multitude of things I want to express here and I'm never sure when is the right moment. So I think I'll make this blog a mix of things today.

Let's start with dance progress, since dance is after all why I'm here. I've completed two items; Natesha Kavutwam and Shivapanchakshara Stotram. I started a third item on Tuesday, Shivastakam, and I've already learnt half of it. My aim is to finish the Shivastakam and learn one more item before I leave, if I manage another two items after Shivastakam I'll be over the moon. I've decided to put on a small, informal solo recital for family and friends when I get back home, to show everyone what I've learned. The idea of a solo performance, albeit a very informal one, is great motivation. I'm practising harder and enjoying practice more and more. My stamina has improved and of course so has my technique. I'm finding more and more that dance is what helps get away from homesickness, when I'm practising I can just put my all into it and only concentrate on the dance, which lets me forget everything else. I particularly like Shivastakam because, although it is a Hindu item, I can find a spiritual connection with it. The item, in short, describes the Hindu God Shiva, but many of those qualities described are ones that I also believe to be true of the almighty. India is teaching me a lot about dance, not just the technique, but also what dance means as a whole. It's a spiritual experience, it's love, it's devotion. Here, if you want to be a dancer then you have to give your whole self to the dance form. It's also interesting that here Bharatanatyam is the total norm, you're no longer the quirky one because you do Bharatanatyam, instead what you realise is that you have to find your own connection with it. Everyone here is a Bharatanatyam dancer, it's normal, so you are forced to find your own love and appreciation for it and make it your own.

A clip of my Bharatanatyam Guru in England, Ananya Chatterjee, performing Shivastakam:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDzfnYyLq6I

Moving on to Uday Shankar Nrityotsav 2013... Uday Shankar is a legend in the Indian dance world. I'm quite ignorant myself though, I know he was one of the first dancers to take Indian dance to the West. He created choreographies fusing classical Indian dance and creative movement. My dear friend Wikipedia can tell you more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uday_shankar. The Uday Shankar Nrityotsav is a dance festival in memory of him and is held annually in Kolkata, inviting dancers from both India and abroad to perform. It's a week-long festival and I've been able to go to every day so far. I can now say I've seen all of India's eight classical dances performed live! I really love performances, not just because I love to watch dance, but also because they inspire me to work harder. They remind me how much I love performing and how much of a connection I have with my dance styles. Performances are humbling too, they remind me of how far I have to go but that if I put the work in I can get there. I also love to see all the audience members because a lot of them are from the dance world, and there are so many young guys around my age there. It makes me feel like I want to eventually become part of the dance world, which is a good feeling. Tomorrow the amazing Malabika Sen is performing Kuchipudi and Bharatanatyam and Monday, the final day of the festival, Ilina is performing!

Here are a few photos from the last couple of days...

Moumita Chatterjee from Kalamandalam Kolkata, a disciple of Aunty, performing a Bharatanatyam solo.

Jayita Ghosh from Kalamandalam Kolkata, a disciple of Aunty, performing a Bharatanatyam solo.

Lopamudra Roy Choudhury performing a Kathak solo

Mallika Kandali performing a Sattriya solo.

T. Roneld Meetei performing a Manipuri solo.

Now let's talk about India more generally. I am finally starting to have the experience I had hoped I would and I am now starting to get out of this trip what I wanted to. There will always be ups and downs because that is how the world works but the are enough ups to counteract the downs. I'm learning so much about myself through this journey. My Hindi is improving leaps and bounds and I can just about get what's going on in a Bangla conversation now. I'm also losing weight which is a really amazing thing for me. According to Aunty's scales (which I'm not convinced work) I've lots 5 kilos, which I think is around a stone. So that's not bad at all and I bought a new kurta (Asian top) today to wear to Ilina's performance on Monday and I can tell you now that it would not have fitted me a month ago :) 

In case any of you were wondering, I do indeed intend to do a big reflection blog when I leave Kolkata.

That's all for now!

Kerala comes to Kolkata

Hey guys!

So it's been ages since I wrote a blog, which I think in some ways must mean I have less time on my hands which is a good thing? Perhaps? So I've been doing a few things over the past few days...

The week just gone I ended up not having class but instead spending the morning until lunch practising by myself. I've found a lot more motivation recently and enjoy pushing myself to go over items until I'm happy with them. I've been listening to BBC Radio Berkshire, BBC Rado Devon and NDR to keep me company.

I've begun going out after lunch for two main reasons, firstly Aunty doesn't like me sitting idle and secondly walking is good exercise. So I go out and walk around Ballygunge and Gariahat. I'm starting to get through my list of presents that I have to buy as well! People warned me that I'll be ripped off because I'm a foreigner and that's very true, I do pay more than Ilina would for example. That isn't to say I don't haggle, because I do, but I'm haggling on an already inflated price. The thing I have decided though is that what I pay still isn't a lot and it isn't everyday a westerner comes along so I feel that really I should pay a little more, simply because I can. It just seems fair.

I like walking around, not only is it quite liberating but of course I discover where places go and what shops are where. Shopping is also fun but if course because this is India you generally have to give yourself time. If you want to buy a shawl for example, expect to be shown the shop's entire collection in every colour before then getting around to haggling and whilst you're haggling you'll have to keep an eye on the shopkeeper putting the shawl your haggling over in a bag before you've fixed a price.

The last three evenings have been taken up with a three-day Mohiniyattam festival. Mohiniyattam is a classical dance form from Kerala, the same state Aunty is from. Aunty was a guest of honour and had helped organise the festival so we went for all three evenings. It was so surreal to walk into an auditorium in the middle of Kolkata and suddenly find yourself in a room of Malayali's all chatting away loudly in Malayalam. It basically like walking into Kerala. The dancers were all amazing, three of them famous Mohiniyattam dancers and the other two up-and-coming dancers. I've never seen abhinaya like that before (abhinaya is the art of expression in Indian classical dance). Such inspiring performances! You could feel the characters pain, sorrow, ecstacy and joy, it was just perfect. Mohiniyattam is traditionally performed by women but I wouldn't mine learning a little of it, it's so beautiful.

I'm busy making plans for the rest of my gap year after I get back from India which is a exciting and I'm generally doing all I can to make sure I make the most out of what time I have in India.

Aunty on day 2

Ilina on day 2

I'd just like to end this blog post with a small tribute to perhaps one of the greatest men to have visited this world,
"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart." - Nelson Rolihlahli Mandela, may his soul become one with the almighty. 

Yoga and haggling.

Hello!

So yet again I haven't written in a few days so I'm sure I'll end up missing some details out here but here we go, seatbelts on!

Firstly you should all know that things are a lot better. I don't think I'll ever be completely settled but I am at a point where I can enjoy each day. Training is still hard but I've come to the point now where I'm taking things at a good pace without a profession as the goal but rather improvement and enjoyment. Since I've decided to stay for 3 months only I've started to really make the best out of each day. I am enjoying things, that's not to say I don't really miss home but rather that I simply have finally learnt to be comfortable enough to make this trip worth it.

So a few things have happened. Yesterday was my first yoga lesson at the World Yoga Society. Suku Uncle, Aunty's youngest son, walked me there and came in to help sort out giving in my membership card and fee etc. The class as it turns out is a private 1-2-1 class, which I am very grateful about! A lesson plan had been written and devised especially for based on what I had said I wanted to get out of the sessions. It was a half an hour session. I don't if that's because it was the first one. It wasn't too hard but equally not easy enough to call effortless. It was good, I was pleasantly surprised and I'm almost looking forward to going again tomorrow. I have lessons booked every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Suku Uncle was waiting outside when I came out, and we walked back to Aunty's together, stopping for tea on the way. Suku Uncle has been a lot of help whilst I've been here. He teaches Carnatic classical singing at the Rabindra Bharati University in Kolkata and he's very always look on the bright side.

A little funny anecdote for you all now. The other day me, Aunty and Ilina were all walking back from Gariahat campus. I walk this route almost every afternoon after lunch to go and spend the afternoon watching classes or rehearsals. There is a henna stall along the route and naturally I've passed it a lot and as a henna artists I always look at what they're up to. Well the day in question a lady was having some henna applied and Aunty stopped to watch. So naturally so did Ilina and I. One of the artists started speaking to Ilina in Bangla and I only found out what was said afterwards. I showed him some henna on my own hand that I'd done and he said to Ilina that it was very good and that he'd seen me walking up and down, past the stall, a few times. He asked Ilina if I was a doctor and Ilina being a comic genius decided to tell him that I was. So now I may well be asked for medical advice!

Today I did something exciting... I went shopping by myself for the first time! I decided I couldn't sit around and wait for people to take me, I also decided I should start soon since I have a lot I want to buy. So I went to buy some gifts. It was a lot of fun. I didn't speak any English, only Hindi. My Bangla isn't good enough yet. So of course all replies were in Hindi. I managed to haggle in Hindi too, I got 40 Rs. off of one purchase and 30 Rs. off of 5 others! I bought 6 gifts in total and all for just under £10 (960Rs. to be exact.) So I am very happy :) I'm planning to go again tomorrow. Going shopping has three benefits, firstly it uses up time in the afternoon when I'm not practising and when Aunty doesn't want me just sitting around. Secondly, it's good exercise because this being India the shopping streets go on forever. Thirdly, shopping for other people makes me feel closer to home and it's a nice release from being in a constant dance world.

I think that's all for today, I'm shattered right now and really need to get some sleep!