Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Pratibha Utsav and Dance Motivation

Hello!
I went to see another performance last night. It was the first day of a two day performance called Pratibha Utsav. Half of the performance was Bharatanatyam and the other half Kathak. The Bharatanatyam was performed by Senjuti Sengupta a student of Aunty and the Kathak was performed by Debjaya Sarkar. It was a beautiful performance held in an open-air stage, like a mini Colosseum. Watching performances are always inspirational because you realise not just how much work you have to do but also where you could one day be. I love watching performances and thinking that one day that could be me, in the silk costume with the temple jewellery, performing an art form thousands of years old in front of an audience that believes in all the stories I'm telling. Having watched three performances of Mallabika Sen now, the one think I noticed about Ms. Sengupta was that as much as she is an amazing dancer, she is not a performer to the same level as Mallabika. You could tell when she was tiring, and you could see her technique ever so slightly beginning to loosen, those things you don't see with Mallabika. It just shows you how much of a difference there is between being a good dancer and being a good performer.

The Kathak half was breathtaking, it confirmed to me that Kathak is and always will be my first love. I just can't get over how beautiful the subtlety is. The technical side of Kathak also takes my breath away every time, I just love the sharpness of the footwork and head movements but how the arms and torso move as gracefully as running water. I also felt a strange closeness to the Kathak performance, like it was a part of me, it was almost like home, a place where I felt comfortable. I haven't gotten to that stage with Bharatanatyam yet. Of course the performance did again show me how much I still have to do, the dancer had an excellent knowledge of Hindustani music and worked in unison with the Tabla player. She also made quite simple movements tell the most intricate story.

So now let's talk about serious stuff. Life here in India and how I'm struggling. I'm not entirely sure why but for some reason I can't handle being by myself for long periods of time here. More than an hour alone and I just can't handle it. I hate seeming weak but I'm not going to deny how I'm feeling to the people around me here. Today things almost got to breaking point because it seemed like Aunty was easing me back into spending more time by myself at Ekdalia. If I'm to be honest then yes I was fighting hard to hold back the tears when I actually spoke to Aunty. I managed to get my feelings across and she understood. I had to explain that for some reason I am still not completely settled and I might never be. I can't handle being alone right now, that might change in the future but I can't say right now. I am working really hard in class and pushing myself constantly and I know I'm overweight and I don't have a dancer's body, but although I'm working on that I cannot change it overnight and therefore I need to ease myself into more practice, I'm not physically capable of doing 4-5 hours of practice a day yet. Aunty it seems did understand, and she told me that the only reason she wanted me to use the afternoons to practice was so that I didn't waste time. She said she wanted me to practice so I could lose weight and go back a better dancer. She said she didn't want me to go back with nothing to show for my time here. So things are back to being ok. I am ok.

What I do find though is that I have a surprising ability to motivate and inspire myself. Despite everything that may happen from day to day I am able to stand back up, dust myself off and look forward to the next day. I listen to a lot of music, some that reminds me of home and some that has always inspired me to dance. I watch a lot of dance videos and documentaries on YouTube, I find Ballet is especially inspiring. I've started to put together a dance motivation folder that I look through daily. It's reassuring and surprising just how much I find myself able to do emotionally. There is no-one here to push me back up when I'm down, no-one to tell me I can do it, but I find I am able to do those things myself. I don't quite know how I'm able to build a wall around all of my negative thoughts and actually look deep inside myself and find not only inspiration and motivation for the next day but also an actual sense of looking forward to it.

I don't want you all to think I'm having a bad time here but it is true to say that my experience here is 50/50 at the moment. There are good things of course. I am making progress in class, I am building muscle and stamina. My technique is getting better. I am getting to experience some of this immense country. When I walk to and from class I get to walk through the streets of stalls selling sari's, clothes, food, jewellery and everything else under the sun. I get to see a huge array of colourful people all around me. I couldn't ever live here because it isn't my country and it isn't where I feel at home but it is one of the most interesting countries in the world. Despite everything you may read into from this blog I will say this, in the words of the fabulous Édith Piaf; Non, je ne regrette rien. No, I don't regret anything. 

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